I spend the majority of my waking life in front of a computer screen. I work online, I keep in touch with friends online, I kill murlocks & orcs online, I watch TV online…and I watch a lot of TV. I work 8 hours a day in a home office, so I like to have something on in the background. Netflix, Hulu, various network sites and YouTube generally do a great job of feeding the beast but once a week, our family takes a step back into the old ways.
We watch TV on the TV.
But not just any TV. We watch network TV on a station that shows old 80’s shows like Charlie’s Angels and Magnum P.I. (His full name is Thomas Sullivan Magnum, in case you wondered. Trivia!) Most of my online TV viewing does not contain commercials so I am often caught off guard with the massive onslaught of advertising during our throw back Thursdays.
And what advertising it is! Every other commercial is for some sort of drug and the ones that aren’t are for something equally horrifying, like funeral insurance or a button you can wear around your neck so if you fall you can get help and not end up being eaten by your cats.
I thought the Viagra commercials were pretty bad, what with the middle aged guys wandering around, doing manly stuff with manly things, thinking about their manly wangs. But hold on…the ones starring the middle aged women are worse. They stroll across a beach or lounge around an enormous bed, with their very carefully placed lighting, lamenting the poor souls with limp dick. You do not have to be that unfortunate horny housewife! Of course, it could cause your loved one to keel over with a heart attack, but what’s a little cardiac arrest when we are talking boners?
There is another drug commercial that airs frequently for people who suffer from social anxiety. It shows a variety of poorly kempt people, living in dark, dreary rooms, looking out the window longingly at all the other people living their bright, shiny lives. Yearn no more, for here is the solution with only a handful of side effects. Including, but not limited to: excessive gas, memory loss, drooling, decreased IQ and greasy diarrhea. Now you will have the confidence and sense of self to go out there and face the world head on. You can meet all the fabulous people who will surely want to be friends with you now that you are out, about, farting and pooping your pants. Sure, you may slobber a bit and babble like an idiot but that’s ok. You won’t remember it anyway.
Recently there has been one for a new drug that treats acne. The side effects are minor…like the watery, bloody diarrhea. I would have to have an absolute raging case of pizza face before I would take any medicine that could potentially turn my rear end into a flame thrower. Actually, I don’t think there are enough zits in the world to convince me that this is a good idea. How does that even work? No one is going to notice your clear complexion when you are rectally hemorrhaging.
Zits are normal. 80 year old men with decreased testicular fortitude is normal. Sometimes wanting to sit around in your room, not showering for days on end while you hate the world and everyone in it is normal.
But what do I know? I’m not a doctor.